The elevated liver numbers that have my GP mildly interested have given my gastroenterologist one hell of a concern. They want a liver ultrasound. And due to the whole late night coughing up acid and agonizing abdominal pain thing that responds to nothing, they also want an endoscopy, just to make sure nothing is fucked. So I’m going to need a ride that day. They also agree that the weight thing is a distribution situation re: losing inches but not weight, and that the blood sugar is probably because of one specific medication and to just keep an eye on it.
One of the more interesting symptoms of my mental illness is that I have hallucinations.
Well, had—my meds were finally adjusted to keep those in check.
But the interesting thing about them was that they were…just like, bats.
They didn’t really do much besides… well, be bats. They just hung around. Everywhere. Sometimes one would get too close to my face and I’d flinch. Try explaining that to Joe Passerby.
Adjusting to life without the bats was strange. I’d gotten to a point where I couldn’t remember life without bats. But they went, and I was free.
Peripheral vision was suddenly actually something useful, at least.
I still have flashbacks to the day I woke up, in my stepmother’s house, to the accusations of theft from the pantry. I was wasting away at the time, a dangerous ninety something pounds. My stepsiblings were getting plumper and plumper. I was whipped with a belt in the laundry room while forced to hold the hanging bar, dissociation keeping me from giving that woman the satisfaction of a vivid pain reaction.
Every time I am around her, I remember this day.
I haven’t trusted her completely since that day.
Even on the days when we partake, a faint part of my mind remembers it. It’s engraved in my mind. When I’m around her, my guard just stays up.
It’s in the front of my mind because the anniversary of the beating is coming—
That’s right. I was lashed like a thief on my birthday.
The thoughts are…intrusive. I’m trying to get rid of them. It’s not working.
I can feel the impact points on my back, still.
Today, my BDD was out in full force.
Sitting on the bus, a voice in my head repeated: “Fattie. Fattie. What happened? You were so good last week. One piece of toast a day! You can do it again! Maybe half! Do you want to stay like this? Fattie? Look at yourself. Fattie.”
It was all I could do to not scream “SHUT UP!” at the voice in my head.
I caught a glimpse of my reflection in a shiny surface.
There is a reason why I don’t own a mirror big enough to see my body.
It took some mental wrangling to get myself to eat when I got home. Hell, I’m still hungry. But I’m also trying to shut that voice up again so I can eat in peace.
I mean, I was too sick to eat last week and the voice HEAPS PRAISE on that
It’s not easy. It’s not simple.
But it’s everyday.
… I better eat so I won’t get sick again.
I almost fainted getting on my last bus. Every movement induces even more nausea than the last. But the most alarming thing was a compliment today, on my weight loss.
I’ve been sick long enough to lose weight enough that it’s noticeable.
I still don’t know what the cause of this is. And it’s not letting up.
I managed to find some old nausea pills in the medicine drawer. After fighting with the front, which is jamming the drawer in and falling off at the same time, I had them in hand. Prescription, too—good stuff. Right now I’m praying that it works, and quickly.
My fantasies are occupied with visions of cheese and rice—my go to on a hard day, but in the last few days, an impossibility. I read articles about the aesthetics of food, making notes and experiencing the meal vicariously.
Come on, pill. Please work.