Three in the godsdamn AM.
Current music 🎶 : Avenue of Shapes— Robin Guthrie and Harold Budd
I can’t sleep.
Today at the doctor’s office, I walked in looking for an answer to the narcolepsy and blood sugar episodes that have been growing more and more frequent and disruptive. When I described just a few of them, and exactly how they manifested — the ones that came on when I was feeling at my most wide awake especially bugged me — I saw a look of intense concern flash across my doctor’s face.
It’s never a good thing when your doctor loses his poker face.
He broke out his stethoscope then, and instructed me to do the deep breathing thing.
After this, he told me that this did not sound like narcolepsy OR blood sugar — though yes, my hypoglycemia is being a problematic little bitch. (My words.)
This is cardiac.
Everything between that and “You’ll need to call the hospital to arrange to pick up a monitor to wear for a few days” is a complete fucking blank. I’ve been in shock since 4:30.
I’m supposed to be up for work in two hours.
I can’t hear a damn thing out of my right ear. It’s like my entire head is a set of headphones with one side out.
I fucking hate when that happens. It makes me dizzy.
Now imagine if that’s YOUR HEAD.
In the morning I’m going to the clinic if this hasn’t cleared up. I need my ears.
My cat, Ion, went missing.
I’m so worried about her.
She’s not equipped to be out there. She’s so round. She’s not the best hunter. I’ve seen kitty treats thwart her.
What if she doesn’t come back?
I filled out another three applications today. In keeping with the requirements of the unemployment situation, I jotted them down on a piece of paper to keep them straight. Part of me wishes I had already heard something, the impatient part. The other part knows that this is a slow process, and that I have to make sure that I wait patiently for a hear back from these people. I wish this were a faster process.
I don’t remember how long it took when I was looking for this first job. I remember the day I got the callback, the time I took the wrong turn and wound up in the wrong side of town and wound up getting a ride to the proper place from a good Samaritan who took me from the gas station to the motel. Nothing like that will happen this time, I am sure, because this time around I carry around a cell phone with a map, and I will be able to navigate with that.
I am frustrated with my impatience. Though my body continues to rebel—with numbness in one hand, pain in an elbow, the usual trouble with my knees—I would like to work. I liked making money, feeling productive. Knowing where the money for bills was coming from was a nice thing.
It’s been keeping me awake. I’ve been keeping a running list of things I’ve wanted to get when I get work again. The list at points has included a lunch at a local sit down burger chain, sheets, an expensive (to me) fish to cook for dinner, elderberries to ferment, a video game, and spices. But I think the thing I really want to get when I get this job is a good night’s sleep.
The week has been something else. Job hunting, storms, and a phone interview that I cannot tell was good or not. The tone seems to have been a good interview, but I have never been good at telling tone without seeing a face conclusively—it is always a guess for me. That is an irony for me, since I can remotely read someone’s cards with remarkable ease.
This week has also brought some surprising news: I’m down a pants size. Whether this is because I’ve been forced to eat less or because I’ve been drinking more tea, it’s…interesting. It ceretainly busted my (what I now realize was rather outlandish) theory that I had done the laundry wrong at some point and had stretched my good pair of jeans.
If I’m being honest, tea and tarot have been the reliable comforts in this time of struggle. I can brew a hot cup and sip before a meditative reading at night after a day of trudging around finding out that the places I was going only take online applications now. The hot drink makes everything fall away, makes it feel for one second that everything is going to be okay, for just one second. It’s not like I can say that it takes me back to a time before—my past was a fraught one, even though it was in that past that I discovered my love of tea. No, a drink of tea brings me uniquely into the moment, so that nothing exists but that moment, and the sip that exist in it. In a similar vein, tarot brings me into a mindfulness that makes me focus on both the now and what I have to do next, so that I don’t get trapped in the spiral of unending what-ifs that my brain is prone to sending me into. It’s a trick I learned early into experimenting with my faith and while it’s not for everyone, it works for me.
It’s late. Well, if I want to get technical, it’s pretty early for me—lately I go to bed at four in the morning, and it’s barely one in the morning. But, my tea is getting cold waiting for me, and my cards are waiting for my nightly meditation.
So, good night…