The Top 10 Answers to “Do You Hear Voices?” That’ll Keep a Writer In The Loony Bin For a Long Time.

I found myself in need of a sabbatical due to unforseen circumstances over the last few days.  I’ve been asked if I’ve been hearing voices more times than I care to count up, and put on a veritable cocktail of medicines that, at long last, seem to be allowing my poor, frazzled mind to heal up from this exhaustive stress.  After the fifth time, I seriously thought of answering, “I’m a writer—I worry if I don’t hear the voices.” (…You know what I mean by this.)  But I wanted to get home in time for something nifty, and so I answered the standard, sane-person way.

But I DID have some interesting answers.  In ascending order, the top ten list of Bad Loony Bin answers!

10. “Huh?  I thought it was just me.”
9. “No fair hogging George!”
8.  “I wonder if he likes string cheese?”
7.  “Of course I hear the voices.  They think you’re hot.”
6.  “I wasn’t listening, I was on a conference call with three dead presidents and a mule.”
5.  “I don’t know, let me ask the lawyer in my head.  …he says no.”
4.  “I wish I didn’t!  They’re talking over the movie!”
3.  “Yeah, it’s Disembodied Voice Idol, and Disembodied Randy Jackson is WAAAY too soft.  SHOW SOME SPINE ALREADY!”
2.  “Nope—less voices, more cowbell.”
1.  “I think the real question is—do the voices hear you?

*Disclaimer: If you use these, I am not responsible for the length of your extended stay in the bin.  I will be fully responsible for the “I told you so” moment, though.

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