In which I kinda have my hands full. BUT!

*starts pounding out entry fast so she doesn’t miss her bus to work*

 

The year has been rough.

In the span of a few short months—not even a whole half of a year—I’ve managed to land a few difficulties in my life.  It began with that ugly breakup between me and my second ex, over the thing that’s sent me to the hospital three times in three months.  Life as a PTSD survivor has not ben a picnic.  To top it off, I now have to deal with little blanks in my memory off and on—those would be what I call the brainzaps.  I have oddly-timed panic attacks now.

I have developed a quaking fear of entering an elevator (or any small space) that contains more than two men.

I’ve developed an unreasoning terror of the palms of people’s hands.

I’ve begun hearing things, seeing things, that aren’t quite there.

I’ve lost the motivation to do many things that I find enjoyable most of the time.

The thought of physical intimacy, even in a written love scene, gives me cold chills.

So it’s not unusual that I’ve also developed a wild pattern of mood swings that go from feeling AWESOME about EVERYTHING, to landing head first into deep, black depression.  It’s been kind of a rough time of it, that’s for certain.  Then again, I’ve been through a lot.


 

I really count myself lucky to be alive today.  For more than one reason.

The biggest one: there are things I like, and people I like.  If I stop to count them, I feel better about myself and life.

That is why I’m going to do the “100 Things” challenge.

 

I’m going to blog about 100 things I like.  Ideas, events, food (NO ONE here is surprised at food’s inclusion on this list), activities, music—if I like it, anything’s fair game.

I’m going to take time out of my day to do this, because for every thing that I like…there’s a reason to live.

 

I’ll begin when something I’ve wanted for a long time arrives in the mail.  ETA:  Two Weeks. </Money Pit Reference>

I hope you’ll join me for this project.  One of the things I like is to talk, and it’s more fun when there’s someone out there listening.

 

Now if you’ll excuse me—I’m…kinda sorta supposed to be at work.  😄

Chrysanth WebStory This is WebStory!
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3 thoughts on “In which I kinda have my hands full. BUT!

  1. WordsFallFromMyEyes says:

    What a blunt, open, honest, fantastic post. THIS is the kinda post I love! I chanced by because you left a comment on Posky’s page, & I’m glad I did.

    I haven’t looked into a profile yet, whether you’re a man or woman, but if you’re a woman fearing being in a small space with two men, this gives me a bad feeling about your story.

    I totally recommend (though you don’t need my recommendation because you’ve chosen to already) blog it out of you. It really does sound like things have collapsed on you, but you’re breathing under the rubble & saying ‘I’m glad I’m alive’. Mercy, that’s a step up on me! I’ve lived a lifetime of chronic depression wishing I was dead! So I’m glad THAT for you 🙂

    You say it’s your second ex, so maybe you’re young. You know, truly you will find someone who will be there with your challenges. Oh, look at me though – Ms Single of The Decade! 🙂 What I mean is, as you find your way – I hope you tell your doctor all you’ve said here, & maybe join groups or whatever, you know. Or find the way out, how you sense the way to be.

    I commend you your positive post littered with very negative realities. Bloody goodonya, and cheers.

    Noeleen
    http://www.VodkaWasMyMuse.wordpress.com/www.WordsFallFromMyEyes.wordpress.com

    • Thanks for stopping by. =)
      I began in this blog as an offshoot of one I’ve had for seven years. I’d intended on just making this a place where I rant about writing (in effect ranting about ranting about writing).

      But as time’s gone on, I’ve been hospitalized three times, had two near-misses, and wound up spending a big chunk of time wondering what the hell the point of existence was: if things were going to be THIS bad, then why even bother?

      It was after getting out of the hospital that answered that question for me: message after message after message wishing me well and wondering where I was and how I was doing—that was when I realized that there are people out there who give a crap about me, even when I didn’t…and launching myself off of this mortal coil would be PROFOUNDLY selfish of me.

      And so I’m still here, still kicking, ready to take things to the next level. As one of my favorite writers would say, it’s about time I stopped half-assing it and just let myself bleed onto the page. Write truths, even when writing fictions.

      And thus, here I remain. =)

      • WordsFallFromMyEyes says:

        I absolutely loved your response. It is so full, so honest. My gosh, you’re something else. How’s your scrapes with death? Nuts! I wish you so much good. I will def be back to read more. I don’t get much time myself, a single full time working parent, but I love to express via this medium, & when I come upon blogs like yours, it’s all so valuably real.

        I commend you what you’ve done, kept going. Damn, you’re good at this. I WILL ‘see’ you again. Thank you for such a thoughtful reply 🙂

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