That incredulous assertion is what I’m dealing with right now.

You see Theo, one of those medicines that I’m taking has had the unfortunate side effect of attaching a rocket-fueled supersonic jet with a tether onto my cholesterol numbers. My good cholesterol is…well, calling it ‘lousy’ would be a compliment. My LDL is quite high!

But the problem is you DON’T want LDL to be high! CRAP.

I was at work preparing for another trip to the doctor when my Twitter alert tone goes off—Chuck Wendig (If you don’t already know who he is I demand you slide your way over HERE for edification. Warning: Chuck doesn’t know the meaning of the word “worksafe,” which I love) has retweeted a video.


This video. And I almost forgot: this isn’t worksafe, either.


One thing for certain, I realized that I’m definitely not an isolated case—even if the conditions under which my high cholesterol developed are fairly uncommon (Pill side effects! WHOO!) and that I should SUCK IT UP and just do what I’m supposed to do.

Part of my absence is because, indirectly, of the Cholesterol Conundrum. I’ve had to alter my eating patterns drastically—

You know what? Let’s not sugarcoat it. I am officially on a diet. (Incidentally if it WAS sugarcoated I wouldn’t be allowed to eat it.) It’s involved a slow reversion to the way I ate in high school: organic damn-near-everything, the kind of buttery spread where it helps maintain cholesterol levels when they hit ‘decent,’ non-fat, non-lactose cheese type product to go on top of my sandwiches, little 100-calorie whole grain multigrain bread thingies. If I’m lucky, I can find the workout tapes I had on DVD format. If not, well, there are other sources to find that material.

I won’t lie: even though at first bite I realized how much I missed my Boca burgers and Chik’n sandwiches, my body’s giving me one hell of a time during the transition. I’ve been tired and listless a lot—partly due to last week’s killer migraine, and partly because I’m coming up on a solid week with severely-diminished fat intake. In order to help me watch my cholesterol, I installed a food diary app so I could track everything that goes into my gullet.

…I was surprised at how much I can eat in a sitting now that I have to hold myself accountable for every single morsel. I mean, I’m easily eating half of what I was now that I have to record it all. It’s weird. Finding out that I CAN survive on half my usual amount of food…makes me realize how much I’ve been binge eating recently. Bad day? Bag of fries. Good day? Bag of fries and a pizza. (Not a slice. A whole pizza.) Got insulted by a co-worker? PWN her by ‘forgetting’ to include her in the mass text about fresh linens being available and then ask if her phone’s set to block until she remembers that, much like insulting your healer in an instance, insulting your laundry lady will leave you in BAD SHAPE.


Something tells me that this month of dieting will be one hell of a misadventure.

…on the upside, I’ll get to learn more about cooking.


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