January 6, 2016 Wednesday 1:54 PM
A New Year.
I’m getting ready to start things over this year. In a way, though, nothing has changed from last year. I’m still sick, and I’m still trying to figure out exactly what is going on. Several challenges that I took on went uncompleted (I’m looking at you, 100 Things list).
Things did come up, though.
Somewhere around the end of December of ’14, my guts started acting up. It’s been months of tests, scans, more tests, more scans, cameras on tubes shoved in places where tney should never be allowed to go, and now I’m going to have to deal with an ultrasound probe being shoved down my throat in a month, because we’ve gone from thinking it was my stomach (which did have a problem, the lining in my stomach was apparently so far gone they were surprised that it was functional at all), to thinking that it as a kidney, to now thinking that it is my liver.
It’s resulted in spending a year of learning how to eat again. Things that used to not be an issue are now things that I either canno eat at all, or have to limit greatly. And that was if I could eat at all. In the span of about two months, without trying to, I lost about forty pounds.
And the only thing that I could do until they treated the “stomach with no lining” was drink mildly flavored seltzer and drink high protein, lactose free milk.
It has made things incredibly difficult to manage.
A midyear breakup didn’t make things any easier, even if it was me who cut things off. I knew things had to be cut off, what had to be done. The stress was making me as sick as my actual illness. The thing is, knowing things like this don’t make it any easier.
It’s a new year now, with vastly lowered expectations, no resolutions, and only one real imperative: finish things that I start and survive. A rather lofty task when I’m looking at even more scans, three particularly scary potential diagnoses are on the table and we’re trying to rule them out with the scans, and the spectre of a betrayal so deep rooted that I never thought it could happen.
Looking back at all those things isn’t going to serve me, though.
I’m taking a broom to that old path, and dusting my old footprints away so I can never retrace those steps.
It’s forward from now on.