The elevated liver numbers that have my GP mildly interested have given my gastroenterologist one hell of a concern. They want a liver ultrasound. And due to the whole late night coughing up acid and agonizing abdominal pain thing that responds to nothing, they also want an endoscopy, just to make sure nothing is fucked. So I’m going to need a ride that day. They also agree that the weight thing is a distribution situation re: losing inches but not weight, and that the blood sugar is probably because of one specific medication and to just keep an eye on it.
One of the more interesting symptoms of my mental illness is that I have hallucinations.
Well, had—my meds were finally adjusted to keep those in check.
But the interesting thing about them was that they were…just like, bats.
They didn’t really do much besides… well, be bats. They just hung around. Everywhere. Sometimes one would get too close to my face and I’d flinch. Try explaining that to Joe Passerby.
Adjusting to life without the bats was strange. I’d gotten to a point where I couldn’t remember life without bats. But they went, and I was free.
Peripheral vision was suddenly actually something useful, at least.
I still have flashbacks to the day I woke up, in my stepmother’s house, to the accusations of theft from the pantry. I was wasting away at the time, a dangerous ninety something pounds. My stepsiblings were getting plumper and plumper. I was whipped with a belt in the laundry room while forced to hold the hanging bar, dissociation keeping me from giving that woman the satisfaction of a vivid pain reaction.
Every time I am around her, I remember this day.
I haven’t trusted her completely since that day.
Even on the days when we partake, a faint part of my mind remembers it. It’s engraved in my mind. When I’m around her, my guard just stays up.
It’s in the front of my mind because the anniversary of the beating is coming—
That’s right. I was lashed like a thief on my birthday.
The thoughts are…intrusive. I’m trying to get rid of them. It’s not working.
I can feel the impact points on my back, still.
Today, my BDD was out in full force.
Sitting on the bus, a voice in my head repeated: “Fattie. Fattie. What happened? You were so good last week. One piece of toast a day! You can do it again! Maybe half! Do you want to stay like this? Fattie? Look at yourself. Fattie.”
It was all I could do to not scream “SHUT UP!” at the voice in my head.
I caught a glimpse of my reflection in a shiny surface.
There is a reason why I don’t own a mirror big enough to see my body.
It took some mental wrangling to get myself to eat when I got home. Hell, I’m still hungry. But I’m also trying to shut that voice up again so I can eat in peace.
I mean, I was too sick to eat last week and the voice HEAPS PRAISE on that
It’s not easy. It’s not simple.
But it’s everyday.
… I better eat so I won’t get sick again.
Ten godsdamned hours in that forsaken hotel.
My fibro picked today to assert itself over my body, remind me that it is a broken machine. Things burn, sting, and throb—some all at once. My head hurts, feeling like it has been inflated wrong.
… heads shouldn’t be inflated at all though, should they…
I plan on collapsing into bed when I get there. I’m in too much pain to eat. The only reason I am able to function at all right now is that I had my dear sweet Zappy—you know, my tens unit—in my bag. Enough muscles have been zapped into painlessness that I was able to get into the bus and train.
But I still won’t be home until ten thirty. An hour from right now.
And tomorrow is going to suck. I’m definitely in trouble with the boss. My only comfort is that I am not the only one in trouble.
… time to wait for another bus.
The sudden call from the gastroenterologist was…less than welcome. That bill hanging over my head makes me more than a little nervous. I do not need my treatment cut off. So I impulsively, panickedly, set up a payment plan using money that I may not actually have. The impulse was not all folly–it was set something up or it goes into collection, my account goes into bad standing, and my health…I don’t want to think about it. I’ll take any help I can get.
I have a good feeling my money for payday is already spent, throwing the idea that I had for a business venture out the window.
Speaking of the window, there go the gunshots, and my meds are kicking in. Despite the terror that is the rent and this bill, I’ll sleep deep.
Confession: I will probably stick to those clicker lancets, because frankly even they make me jumpy. I recoil at standard lancets. It’s the visible needle. I have this thing with needles. If I can’t see the needle, I’m ok, but if I can see it then good luck.
I specifically ask doctors and med techs to not let me see the needles when there is a needle necessary. Of course, there’s a weird thing where I can taste some needles when they go in. (I can’t explain it, it’s always been a thing.)
Though I’m not diabetic or prediabetic, a work doctor a while back advised me to keep track of my blood sugar, after I had a hypoglycemic event in the office. It was confirmed by my doctor later on: I have nonreactive hypoglycemia.
Confounding Factor: My meds spike my levels artificially. So I have to keep an eye on THAT. The same meds also crash it.
So, at different times of the day, I have to determine if my malaise is general fatigue, the fibro, or if my blood sugar has just cratered. Usually it’s a combination of the second two and a cup of sugar coffee and an apple fixes things.
But first, I have to brace for that little stick…